*sigh* technical difficulties

I don't seem to be able to get blogger to let me copy and paste my text from word anymore. So please go to www.screamofcontinuousness.wordpress.com to see my lastest two devotional posts.

wanting the microphone

I’ve been wishing for a chance to speak publicly about some recent events in my life, and at the same time I’ve been ashamed of that desire. Part of my southern upbringing is to suppress all hankering for publicity. So every time I caught myself wanting to speak up about some recent blessings I would firmly squash the desire by telling myself that it was rude to brag. But what I was failing to comprehend was that the publicity I wanted was not for myself. I don’t want to brag on my own accomplishments.

I earnestly yearn to brag on my God.

The God who brought my family through the struggles of infertility. The God who abundantly blessed us during both my husband’s layoff and my recent job loss. The God who has showered me in loving mercies during a time that most would see as a severe trial. Sure, I do have a public forum. I write a blog, but most of the folks in my church don’t read blogs and I find myself wanting my congregation, my home church to hear about my God and the wonderful things He has done for me.

Even the psalmist had this same longing. Look at Psalm 116:17 – 19

To You I shall offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call upon the name of the LORD
I shall pay my vows to the LORD
Oh may it be in the presence of all His people
In the courts of the LORD’s house
In the midst of you, O Jerusalem
Praise the LORD!

So, in an effort to break out of my overly-southern, rigidly-polite heritage and offer public praise to my Lord, I now submit a sacrifice of praise in the form of a psalm. I'm not a poet, so forgive me if this is a little rough. It is from the heart and that is all I was trying to accomplish.

When I cast myself down and wept
Lain down on a bed of sorrow
You comforted my heart
Your peace, O LORD flooded my mind

When I wandered in darkness,
angry and filled with bitterness
You sent words of comfort
you gave a song to my throat
and fierce joy to my limbs

My God will fight my battles
You allowed earthly powers to triumph over me for a day
but granted me the grace to look
mine enemy in the face and
bless Your name

My oppressor has acknowledged
You O my God.
The power of Your hand has been visible
even unto him who has struck me down
You caused him to weep
in bitterness and to bless your name

You have allowed my oppressor to see
Your favor for me.
He has witnessed the outpouring of
Your blessings on my house and my lands

O LORD my God
May Your name be praised
May my speech and the labor of my hands
Be nothing more than a window to You

Protect me LORD from everything
except Your Glory.
May I never cease to sing Your Praise.



Try writing your own psalm to God during this Lent season and see what happens.

my new mission

my new mission is simple

smile more.

what? you ask. Well I just had a very humbling experience.

I think of myself as a fairly cheerful person. Fun to be around, etc. And photos of me pretty much bear that out.

See? lots of smiles.

But….that is only what happens when I look at a camera and deliberately smile. Apparently my normal, neutral face doesn’t smile very much at all.

How do I know this?

Well I just got home from a solid hour of video taping. My dear, darling wonderful husband got the joy of hearing, over and over and over again a short (3 minute long) piece that I had written at the request of our pastor regarding my job layoff and some of the things that came out of that.

The piece is full of joy and hope and purpose. Or at least the TEXT is full of joy and hope and purpose. But if you turned off the sound and just watched my face you would think I was announcing the death of thousands or something. Seriously, I looked bleak. And I had THOUGHT my expression was pleasant.

So we did it again. This time I will try to smile, really.

and again.

and again drat it.

I finally got it right after 5 takes.

It gave me a whole new appreciation of just how much attention I need to pay to my physical expression and the impact it can have on my message.

But wait, I’m not a pastor. I’m not a paid speaker. Why do I have to worry about this stuff?

Well the folks at my work and in my family and friends know I am a Christian. They know that I profess to have God in me. So shouldn’t that show? Shouldn’t I look different? If I say I have the Joy of Christ Jesus in me, doesn’t it follow that my face would show it? At the very least it should show when I am actually talking about the joy of Christ.

So that is my new mission – to spread the joy of my Lord by smiling more.

because i promised

I recently got a message from a friend who reminded me that I hadn't posted on the blog in a while.

That same day I had submitted my written testimony as part of a job application to a Mission organization that I really would love to work for. In the process of writing the testimony, I handed it to my pastor to see if he had any edits or suggestions.

He handed it back to me and to my utter shock said this

"Don't change a word. Oh, and I want you to read this during my sermon this Sunday"

Can you spell shock? or how about flabbergasted? that's a good one.

So I did it. I read it in church. My husband says it went over really well. I wouldn't know. The whole experience is somewhat of a blank to me. Something about the dark room and that spotlight just erased my brain I think. Anyway, here is the written version.

Streams of Mercy, Never Ceasing…..
As a Christian child, I loved the Jesus of Sunday school and songs, but my faith had no depth, so my adult choices resulted in two failed marriages. At my lowest point I was living in a sinful situation, with no repentance or desire for God. I thought God was all about “no” and rules. Eventually my wrong thinking took me somewhere I had never planned to go. Friends and family alike were fed up with my continuing disasters. My life was a mess, and it was my fault.

I was alone.

God then poured out His mercy on me through one friend - Barbara. She made it clear that she deplored my choices, but Barbara also made it clear and that she, and God, loved me. And she set out to prove it. After unsuccessfully inviting me to church many times, Barbara decided to kidnap me. Every Sunday she got her family up early, drove to my home, rousted me out of bed, and took me to church. My unwilling ears heard truth at that church.

Sometimes I would come home from work, expecting a silent, lonely house and I would find instead a home full of Barbara’s family. The kids were happy to see me, dinner was on the stove and I had a family to eat it with. We would read, talk, and fellowship. My hardened heart saw love made tangible.

Because of Barbara’s deliberate ministry to me I began to want to know God. I finally read the Bible, and found out about a God beyond Sunday school songs. A God that wants an intimate relationship with me. That still blesses me with fresh meaning every day.

My life still has highs and lows, but every day I learn more ways to praise my redeemer. These days my husband and I host a Bible study in our home, I write devotionals, volunteer in our church, and I’m currently learning the inductive method of Bible study. Martin works for our church and we have a beautiful daughter through the blessing of adoption. My Lord has bound my wandering heart to Him through more goodness, blessings and merciful moments than I can count. Streams of Mercy, Never Ceasing. Here, I raise my Ebenezer indeed.

of football and fall

It’s Fall.

Football season……

and lately I've been thinking a lot about a particular piece of football equipment.

the mouth guard.

Intellectually I knew that mouth guards affected speech and I always felt sorry for the guys on the football field trying to speak and to understand each other with those things in their mouths. It is a familiar sight to see a quarterback take the mouth guard out, call the play, and then put the mouth guard back in before the snap. Anyone who watches football has seen that happen.

But just how much a mouth guard affects your speech never really sunk in for me till this past week.

I have had to start wearing a mouth guard at night.

No, I am not involved in some bizarre night time sporting activity which requires safety gear. But I have been clenching my jaw in my sleep for years and it is starting to have a cumulative effect on my teeth. Initially the dentist was talking about fitting me with an expensive, custom molded mouth guard. Yikes. I don’t have bunches of money right now so the prospect of a custom fitted dental appliance was a bit daunting! But then the hygienist told me a secret.

“couldn’t I just get a football mouth piece?” I joked.

“yup” she said.

Music to my ears!

So the next time I was in Wal-mart I planned to get a football mouth piece. Just for fun I looked in the dental care section first and lo and behold they had a mouth guard of the “boil and bite” variety that was not built for sports, but instead was designed for folks who clench or grind their teeth. Perfect! Just what I needed. For only $20. Yipeee!

Bought it. Took it home. Boiled it. Bit down. I now have a mouth guard molded for my teeth that I can use each night to keep me from clenching my teeth all night in my sleep, Hooray! Okay, actually to be perfectly correct, the mouth guard does NOT keep me from clenching my teeth. It just keeps my inevitable jaw clenching from doing any damage to my teeth.

Aside from keeping me from damaging my own teeth, the mouth guard has had a major side effect though – I have gained a more personal, visceral understanding of just how difficult it is to speak as you normally would with one of these things in your mouth. I have a greater appreciation than ever of football players who can manage to make themselves understood on the field.

And I have also gained a new understanding of Psalm 141:3.

Last year I memorized this verse and I intellectually related it to a football mouth guard as a way of helping me remember the verse.

Set a guard over my mouth oh Lord,
keep watch over the door of my lips.
Psalm 141:3

But I hadn’t really understood just what I was asking God for. I had previously thought of asking God to guard my mouth as essentially me asking God to “stop me from speaking Lord.” But I look at it very differently now. Now that I have actually had a mouth guard in my own mouth I realize that really it is more that

the mouth guard fundamentally distorts your speech.

It’s not that you can’t talk. You can. Reasonably well actually. But the mouth guard profoundly affects everything you say. Your voice sounds a bit different, your pronunciations change, your ability to make any clipped sounds or sharp, crisp cut offs of consonants is gone, and glottal stops are just out the window. Having a mouth guard in even, to a certain extent, affects your breathing mechanics. And to a small extent it changes some facial expressions.

When I think now of asking God to “set a guard in my mouth” and realize that the guard He will place in me is the Holy Spirit, that whole last paragraph takes on spiritual meaning.

With the Holy Spirit in me, my voice should sound different. My pronouncements will change. My ability to be short with people and in my conversation should go away. My every breath should be a prayer. And if God is IN ME, He will affect even my facial expressions.

I Want God to Fundamentally Distort My Speech.

My personal paraphrase of Psalm 141:3 as a prayer now goes something like this -

“Set your Holy Spirit in my very mouth LORD, profoundly affect my every word, make it so that I cannot speak at all without betraying that YOU are in me. Watch over me Lord. Affect my breathing, and my expressions Jesus. If I try to take out your guard so that I can speak in my old sinful selfish way, SEE me Lord and let your Holy Spirit kick me so that I do not take out my mouth guard. Ever.”

It is one of my most frequent prayers these days. Well, other than “Lord, please do something ‘bout dem DAWGS”…………..

well that didn't come out right....

Did’ya ever say one thing…

And your audience heard something else entirely?

Basically it came out completely wrong.

At a recent Beth Moore event I spotted this gorgeous young lady. She was beautiful and dressed beautifully. I thought she must be in the choir or platform party in some way. She looked elegant, fully made-up, hair in an up-do, flowing floor-length dress……at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

She was only a few feet away from me so I caught her eye and said

“wow you sure are dressed beautifully for a Saturday morning!

She looked at me as if she was offended and said “well it’s very comfortable”

And gave me a pinch of her dress to feel.

It was comfy – it was stretch cotton, but you would never know just by looking.

I tried to backpedal, I tried to make her understand that I was ADMIRING her

But the initial phrase had come out wrong (or been wrongly received) and I couldn’t fix it.

The doors to the auditorium opened just after that and we will never see each other again. I don’t even know her name.

It haunts me.

Has that ever happened to you?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a comment that initially sounded hurtful?

I know I have. There have been plenty of times in my life when someone has said something that I could instantly take as insulting. And usually I do take umbrage far too easily.

Perhaps I should reconsider.

Perhaps they meant well, but it just didn’t come out right.

get thee to a closet

tomorrow is National Day of Prayer.

I agree in concept with a day to concentrate on praying for our nation, and our leaders (Mr. Obama certainly needs God's guiding hand on his heart)......

But....

In the midst of spreading the word and reminding people to pray we must be careful of something - the majority of our own prayers should be kept private. I am by no means saying that there is no place for a prayer gathering. Just that we need to be deep-down certain that we are utterly focused on God, not on the humans praying along with us. Stick with me here.

Christ actually said to pray in secret. I believe that this is not because he wants us to hide from men, but rather to keep us from falling to one of the easiest snares for a Christian - spiritual pride. Pride in our own spiritual-ness.

Here are the relevant verses:

⁵"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ⁶But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

⁹"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰ your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread.
¹² Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³ And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.^[a]' ¹⁴For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:5-15

Has someone ever surprised you by asking you to pray in public? what immediately went through your head? did you start worrying about how you were going to sound? will I get too emotional? Will I sound too detached? Will my sentences even make sense? (maybe it's just me that feels like this?)

Worse yet, have you ever known ahead of time that you were going to have to lead a group in prayer? Did you find yourself composing a suitable prayer? (tell me I'm not the only one...)

God wants my whole attention on HIM when I pray. He is the only audience that counts. But Christ knows that I am all too human. He knows that I can't help but worry when I pray out loud with someone else in the room (or many someones), so he suggested a way out. Ironically -to go into a closet.

Do you have a private place that you pray? I don't, but I need to. I usually pray in the car. Private, sort of, but certainly not conducive to concentrating on HIM !

When I was a kid I recall that my dad always prayed in the bathroom. Possibly because it was the only room in the house with a lock on the door....

But I love the idea of a prayer closet. Amy March had one in Little Women. Do you remember?

"Esther fitted up the closet with a little table, placed a footstool before it, and over it a picture taken from one of the shut-up rooms. She thought it was of no great value, but, being appropriate, she borrowed it, well knowing that Madame would never know it, nor care if she did. It was, however, a very valuable copy of one of the famous pictures of the world, and Amy's beauty-loving eyes were never tired of looking up at the sweet face of the Divine Mother, while her tender thoughts of her own were busy at her heart. On the table she laid her little testament and hymnbook, kept a vase always full of the best flowers Laurie brought her, and came every day to `sit alone' thinking good thoughts, and praying the dear God to preserve her sister. Esther had given her a rosary of black beads with a silver cross, but Amy hung it up and did not use it, feeling doubtful as to its fitness for Protestant prayers. The little girl was very sincere in all this, for being left alone outside the safe home nest, she felt the need of some kind hand to hold by so sorely that she instinctively turned to the strong and tender Friend, whose fatherly love most closely surrounds His little children. She missed her mother's help to understand and rule herself, but having been taught where to look, she did her best to find the way and walk in it confidently."

Having a closet, or a space designated as a prayer space in the home would be such a comfort and a great place to have a daily devotional. It might even be a great way to involve a child in private devotions from an early age.

Has anyone else done this? what did you use? a closet? a comfy chair in the corner of a room? was it for anyone in your home? or just one person? I'd love to hear your ideas/feedback.

platform blog

I don't often do this.....don't often ask my readers to participate in a charity drive of any kind. I generally believe that people are best left to pick their own charity that is closest to their heart. The one God has laid on them personally.

My main charity emphasis has always been Compassion International which is a group that matches caring people with an individual child that you can help and correspond with.

But today I got a facebook invite to be a part of a very simple food drive this Saturday, May 8th.

http://www.helpstampouthunger.com

Why should you participate?

simple.

Jesus told us to Feed the Poor.

He didn't say "make them fill out an application to see if they are worthy"

He never said "wait to see if they have stopped drinking booze before you feed them"

Christ didn't say "make sure to witness to them as you hand them the food" (on that note, simply FEEDING them IS our witness to them as a demonstration of Grace - unmerited favor)

He never mentioned the concept of "the deserving poor or the UN-deserving poor"

He just said Feed the Hungry.

And actually it wasn't just Christ that said it. This command has been showing up in the Bible since Old Testament times. There are over 300 mentions of how we are to take care of the poor and needy in the Bible.

I'll leave you with two. You can look up the others if you are interested.

John answered, "The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same."
Luke 3:11

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:9-11

I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds like a wonderful promise. Something I'd be willing to do almost anything to get.

In most of Christianity we have to accept a free gift - grace. Something we can NEVER do ANYTHING to earn. It is hard for us to wrap our brains around grace. But this is something we are told to do and that it will have have direct results.

I want the LORD to guide me.

Always.

Do you have extra non-perishable food in your pantry? set it out for your postal worker to pick up this Saturday.

It is that simple.

birthday wishes for everyday lives

I was just writing a note of encouragement to a friend who is going through a rough time and having a birthday tomorrow.

What I sent her ended up feeling so right that I knew it had to be a blog post. So here is an edited version of it -

Dearest Friend,

Your birthday is tomorrow. You are turning 41 and I’m praying for you to have a marvelous day.

No I’m not being sarcastic.

Why should you have a good day?

• Your pets love you.
• I love you.
• Your family loves you.
• You will be going to an amazing Beth Moore event in less than two weeks.
• You just read a wonderful book reminding you that your TRUE SECURITY is in GOD ALONE. Not man, not money, not marriage, not youth, not even loving friends.
• And GOD LOVES YOU in a very real, and personal way.

Don’t know about you, but I’ve tended to have trouble with the concept that God loves me personally. I always sort of thought he tolerated me, IF I was being good. The wholly incredible truth that I am personally of value to God Most High has always been difficult for me to grasp.

Well recently I was singing to Ginny a very simple little kids song

“God loves me,
God loves me,
in my Bible book it says that
God loves me”
(Romans 8:39)

And, like a lot of little kids songs, you are just supposed to repeat the same chorus over and over and overandoverandoverandover …… till the child falls asleep....or you do!

Well being an adult I decided to try to amuse myself by thinking of other words that could fit in that song. Just to keep myself awake while Ginny drifted off into lala land.

That simple idea turned out to be SUCH a blessing. Somehow these truths had never sunk in when I read them as scriptures, but turning them into simple statements of how God feels about ME….it made all the difference in the world!

God SEES me
He knows my every moment. There is no point in time when I am hidden from God
(Psalm 139: 1-3 and Gen. 16:13)

God KNOWS me
He knows my every motive….and loves me anyway!
(Psalm 139:14)

God WANTS me
This one blows me away. God wants to spend time with me! I am his beloved. And you are too.
(Deuteronomy 7:6)

God HEARS me
There is not some cosmic message machine taking dictation and God will get to me eventually, God HEARS my every word, thought, laugh, wail and groan.
(Psalm 116: 1 & 2)

God MADE me
and not just my physical body. God made my life and yours. And though I have made errors in judgment, NONE OF WHAT GOD PLANNED WAS A MISTAKE. God doesn’t have a “plan B” this IS plan A. and it is the good and perfect will of God that you be strengthened and drawn closer to HIM through this season of your life
(Jeremiah 29:11)

As I lay there making up stanza after stanza for Ginny, I was being ministered to. Tears welled up as my sweet, loving heavenly father soothed my soul while I sang my Ginny to sleep.

Have a wonderful day in the presence of your Heavenly Father, who loves you. as do I.

put out the fire and tear down the walls

Recently I realized that there was something missing in my life.

Some walls that I had built, some anger I had harbored for years was gone. Just gone. Crumbled. Vanished. ……..gone.

Had I been working on removing it? Not really. I had prayed a couple of times about it, but I wasn’t thinking about it a lot or praying about it recently.

I just came to the realization this past Sunday that the raging fire of anger was just…gone. I couldn’t even dig up the embers. And believe me I tried. When I first realized the anger was gone it was almost like a friend had moved away. My first thought was how to get the anger back (which makes NO SENSE, I know) It had been something I quite literally cherished. A fire that warmed me. If I stopped being angry, was I admitting that the person had actually done the right thing all along?

No.

Letting go of the anger is not the same thing as agreeing with the event or the actions of the person that I was angry with. Letting go of the anger was just that. Letting go. Nothing more.

What happened? How did it go away without me even noticing?

Frankly, I don’t know.

Perhaps it had something to do with listening endlessly to the same sermon (one of Beth Moore's Sunday school classes called called “Thieves of Joy” ) over and over for the past few months.

Or perhaps it had something to do with the Bible verses I have been concentrating on for all of last year. There are many, but the very first one that has been with me since January of 2009 is

II Chronicles 7:14
“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land”

Called by my name – I am a Christian. I have been begging God to help me be a better representative of His Holy Name. This is what Witness means by the way. To represent, to bear witness, to testify. In our case, those who are called Christians are meant to bear witness by our actions and lives to those around us.

Pray and seek His face and turn from their wicked ways – I have been seeking. Filling my mind with His words (memorizing scriptures), filling my ears with music that glorifies Him (making a deliberate choice to keep my CDs to only praise music this year). And keeping my mouth shut. One of the most sinful areas of my life is my mouth. I speak sarcastically and hurtfully in the name of humor far too often. Partially due to illness and partially as a personal choice I have been trying to keep my mouth shut recently. In effect – turning from my besetting sin.

Heal their land – I believe this is what happened. Not literal land, but my spiritual land. My land, the place my heart and mind was dwelling in was filled with fires of hatred and anger. God has honored my seeking by healing this area of my life. This scorching anger that has been consuming me for so long, the wound that would not go away, in part because I could not let go…..God loosened my grip and helped me let it go.

Which brings me to an example that my pastor Richard hunter used in church this Sunday -

Ever noticed that when you hold your fist closed tightly around something for too long it actually hurts to move your fingers in the physical act of opening your hand? Try it. Just make a fist. Make it really tight. Put a lot of effort into it. Hold it for 60 seconds.

Then uncurl your fingers. Relax your hand. It hurts doesn’t it? The word “relax” just doesn’t even seem to apply.

It actually takes effort to perform the physical act of opening the hand.

I think too often we generalize “letting go” as an effortless act of freedom. And the result absolutely is freedom, but the act of releasing our grip on something, someone, or in my case – some emotion can actually be an effort. In my case it was too much for me. I cherished that anger. I wanted it. I was not about to let it go.

But God knew it needed to go. It was standing in the way of joy. And I hadn’t put any limits on God when I prayed from II Chronicles. I just asked for His healing. I didn’t say what needed healing. I wasn’t trying to be clever, I just had no idea what God needed to do in my life.

I’m posting this today, even though it is not Easter related, because this really did just happen this past Sunday. And I wanted to share the joy.

Fill your mind and heart with scripture, any scripture. Don’t put any limits on God, and see what amazing things come of it.

God said it.......

.. I just wish I had listened better…

One of the things we bought for Ginny for Christmas was a full DVD set of the Cedarmont Kids albums. For any of you who are unfamiliar with this group, give yourself a treat, go get them.

These DVDs are packed with loads of songs that Ginny loves to dance to and “sing” along with. She is getting active play and being indoctrinated at the same time. All the videos are subtitled with the lyrics so she will eventually be getting reading skills too. And it’s not just classic stuff that I remember from my childhood. You know the ones..

“I am a C. I am a CH. I am a CHRISTIAN” and “This little light of mine” and “Climb, climb up sunshine mountain” and “Do Lord, oh Do Lord, Do remember me” and “Jesus loves me”

Those are all in there, but included are some songs that I had never heard before. Songs that might have made a difference in my life if I had ever heard them AND managed to believe them. Like this one, called “Every promise in the book is mine”

Every promise in the Book is mine!
Every chapter, every verse, every line.
I am standing on His Word divine,
Every promise in the Book is mine!

Pretty straightforward, eh?

I love this song. I mean I sang about being a “son of Abraham” but I never really grasped that that meant that through Christ’s sacrifice and the fulfillment of that covenant, I personally partake of EVERY promise in the Bible.

And it is such a wonderful tune that I find myself singing it all day long. Which is very good for me. The soundtrack that runs in your head all day needs to be an affirming one.

Yes, the soundtrack in your head.

Don’t even try to tell me that you don’t have one. It is there. You may only consciously hear it when all else is quiet, but you do have one. Mine tends to be very repetitive. I get stuck in a groove all day. Sort of like how you feel after coming out the “small world” ride at Disney. That stupid song stays stuck in your head for HOURS. If conversation around you lags or you have a moment of quiet…it floats back up to the forefront of your brain and you find yourself humming along…..it’s a small world after all….its a small world after all…AARRRGGH ! That’s what I mean when I say the soundtrack in your head. So it behooves me to fill my mind and heart with good songs. Songs that point me to God. Otherwise I can spend all day (inadvertently) contemplating utter drivel. And who wants that?

Or this one …

Wide, wide as the ocean, high as the Heaven above;
Deep, deep as the deepest sea is my Savior’s love.
I, though so unworthy, still am a child of His care;
For His Word teaches me that His love reaches me everywhere.

I sang “Deep and Wide” enthusiastically as a child, but here again this song (which has a haunting melody by the way) addresses some of my deepest concerns. My feelings of insecurity and shakey self worth are directly addressed by these lyrics.

And then there is this one. This is priceless. And what it is doing in my heart as an adult is absolutely staggering.

God said it, I believe it
That’s all that faith demands
Though heav’n and earth shall pass away
His word will stand.

I have to wonder, did it take hearing these lyrics as an adult for them to sink in? Would I have never really understood the lyrics if had known them as a child? It occurs to me that one of my favorite Sunday school songs as a kid has some pretty good depth to it…….

Like a tree
Like a tree
I’m like a green olive tree
in the house
in the house
of the LORD, hallelujah
I will trust
in the mercy of God
forever I will trust
in the mercy of God

This song is engraved in my mind. And yet, I didn’t trust in God’s mercy. It never reached my heart, my blood stream. It never became part of me.

I’ve sung this song around many a campfire and yet I’ve spent decades of my life either trying to personally make up for my sins (which isn’t possible) or feeling completely unforgivable and therefore licensed to sink into depravity. Also a bad choice, by the way.

It is only in the last few years that I am starting to come to grips with the truth that God really does love me. Personally. And that I really am forgiven. Really. Yes, even for that. and yup, that one too. And oh yes, THAT one. (no, I'm not going to enumerate my sins for the world to view. They are between me and Christ. He washed them away and no longer remembers them)

Maybe that’s why these songs are having deep meanings for me now.

Now, they are real.

I, though so unworthy, still I’m a child of his care, for His word teaches me that His love reaches me EVERYWHERE.

Blessed reality.

repetition

lately I find myself repeating myself.

alot.

"I love you Ginny. Mommy loves you."

"Ginny, don't touch that honey. Ginny. No. Don't touch that.....Ginny!"

"Come here Ginny. that's right, come here. Ginny. Over here."

At times I wonder if she evens hears me. I think most mothers of toddlers feel this way. The complusion to go have your child's hearing checked is almost too strong to bear.

Then I got in the car this morning.

And thought about the 58 minutes long sermon that I have been listening to over and over and over again for the past week. And how there are still parts of it that I NEED to hear again in order to really process them. To internalize them. To press them into my heart.

And it occurred to me to wonder....does God ever sigh and wonder if I can even hear Him?

"Deirdre, I love you. You are my beloved child. Being filled with My Joy is not an option, it is your right as my child. Did I mention that I love you? Deirdre, God loves you."

Did you know that was hard to type? Some how it is easy for me to say

"God loves me" but actually typing it with my name as part of the sentence (as if it is being said by God to me personally) was more difficult.

Anyway, I plan to revel in repetition this year.

!!!??? what??? you ask. Why would I want to do that? Well, as many of you know I participated in a scripture memory team last year where we memorized one new scripture every two weeks. I know all 24 of mine, but most of them haven't had a chance to sink in yet. I need more time with them. I need to pick out a few and just dwell in them. Study them. Actually pull out a concordance and look up some word origins.

I don't think it does me any good to have a bunch of scriptures banging around in my head if they never make it to my heart.

So this year is going to be about repetition. Going over and over and over these words from God to me till I really live in them. Comfortably. Securely. They need to be so much a part of me that no enemy, no demon of insecurity can rip them out of my grasp. These verses, concepts and truths needs to flow in my veins.

And that can only be achieved, for me anyway, by going over them again and again.

Sometimes spiritually, I think I'm still a toddler..... who is hard of hearing.

my child is hurting

"my child is hungry"
"my child just lost their parents"
"my child just lost her home"
"please help"

"please?"

these are the words I imagine you might read from a parent in Haiti right now.

If they blogged.

but they don't so I'm gonna say it for them.

please give.

I don't care what organization you give through, but please give.
I chose to use Compassion International because I am already familiar with them, but whoever you choose to give through, do it today.

There are approximately 40 people who read this blog regularly. If each of them gives at least $10.....well $400 can buy a lot of clean water and aid for these people.

please?

and if I haven't convinced you, read the words from our Lord -

Matthew 25: 37-45

³⁷"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

⁴⁰"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

⁴¹"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

⁴⁴"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

⁴⁵"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

have my baby....please?

Can you possibly imagine that line as the start of a deep, meaningful friendship?

Well, I can.

Cause I once asked that very question of someone. They turned me down and then proceeded to become a major part of my life.

What on earth am I talking about you ask? (or maybe you've already stopped reading 'cause I've offended you...)

Well back a few years ago when I was still reeling from our failed IVF tries one of the options the doctor mentioned was to have a surrogate mother carry a baby for us. We could either use our own ...um....material, or just my husband and the surrogate. That last option completely turned me off, but the idea of having someone carry our child for us was not completely repugnant, so we agreed to think about it. But then the doctors started telling me all the stuff we would need to look into to find a surrogate. DNA testing for the surrogate and descriptions and interviews...it was all so cold and clinical. We were turned off by the whole process, so we put the notion on the shelf and got on with the process of healing our sore hearts.

Another friend who had been going through infertility issues herself pointed me to a wonderful blog post by a person named Missy. It was all about how God never puts us in a place or situation without there being a reason, a meaning in it.

After reading that first post I kept reading. and reading. and reading. I really liked this lady. I liked her style and I envied her the ability to have four kids. Her fertility and my infertility were in stark contrast to each other, and the thought crossed my mind...I wonder if she would be willing to be a surrogate for us?

I took my courage in both hands, and emailed her.

She very compassionately said, no. And for a very good reason - Missy had had a rough delivery with her last baby and she was scared to try again. Which is perfectly understandable.

Now this COULD have been a humiliating moment for me, but Missy made it into the beginning of a sweet relationship. And no matter how depressed I got, or how frustrated with God's timing, she kept pointing me back to God and reminding me that He is GOOD and He had not forgotten me.

Eventually, after a lot of healing and soul searching, we chose to adopt domestically and we could not possibly have been more blessed than we are to have Ginny. Her birth parents are a wonderful part of our family life and they know how much we love them. I honestly would not trade Ginny for any child of my own body.

But beyond helping me with my emotional healing, Missy did something far greater for me - she pointed out a prejudice that I was holding on to unjustly and opened my eyes to the amazing ministry of a lovely lady in Houston named Beth Moore.

Since then it's been three years of non-stop blessing. Accountability, Bible studies, discussions, scripture memory teams, and now I'm EIGHT DAYS away from FINALLY meeting MISSY.

so Missy, thank you for NOT having my babies.

christmas hats

okay, we got the Santa photos done, now on to the rest of Christmas.

first off Christmas Eve was great. My church does four services.

• a 4:00 kids service (usually a drama or something that kids will love)
• a 5:30 traditional with candle-lighting, choirs, advent wreath, etc
• a 7:00 contemporary
• and an 11:00 traditional.

Martin had to be available to work the 5:30 and the 11:00. Now I knew we weren't going to keep Ginny up till the 11:00 service, even though that one is my favorite, so we planned to go to the 5:30 with the whole family (including my parents, my niece and hopefully my brother). It turned out to be just myself, Martin and Ginny, but we ran into some friends and ended up sitting with them. The service was lovely, Ginny enjoyed the candle lighting very much - even though I wouldn't let her touch the flame.

The "O Holy Night" solo was done by our assistant choir director Blair Brawner and it was gorgeous. It wasn't as technically perfect as some I have heard, but it was beautiful. Even the one time her voice broke...it just made it more of a human sharing moment rather than a performance.

the real highlight for me came after the service was over. You see I had to go up to our pastor and apologize. For wearing a Santa hat all during the service.

??? Why was I wearing a Santa hat to a church service when I don't believe in Santa?

Well I was wearing it initially because I was just being silly. Martin wears his a lot, and Ginny looked so cute in hers, so I was wearing mine to fit in with my silly family.

But then, on the way into the sanctuary, I passed by one of the outer doors, the one right next to the "hats, mittens & scarves tree" This is a 9 foot tall Christmas tree that the members of our church decorate with brand new hats, mittens and scarves all through out the holiday season.

As I was passing that entrance a blast of cold air hit me. Really cold air.

I turned around.

there coming in the door was a woman and three kids.

all in shirt sleeves.

I smiled and said "Hi! Welcome!"

She smiled back, glanced at my hat and then at the tree.

"Do you know how we could get a hat or a coat for my kids?"

At which point I realized that I didn't have a clue how those hats, mittens & scarves were going to be distributed. They disappear every year after Christmas, but I had no idea where they went. To the Co-op? To a shelter? I had no clue.

"Tell you what, I'll find out how we can get you some of those hats and stuff. I know just who to ask, okay?" I said.

"How will I find you?" she asked, as people jostled us apart.

without missing a beat I said "I'm probably the only person in that sanctuary wearing a Santa hat. I won't take it off till you find me again and I promise I'll have an answer for you"

So I asked around, and finally the pastor told me "you just march her right up to that tree and let her have whatever she needs."

Well thanks to the Santa hat, we re-connected after the service and as I was walking her and the kids to the tree I figured I should make conversation...so I asked

"Have you ever been here before?"

"Well no, not to a service." she said "But we come to your Journey to Bethlehem thing every year, so I knew you were nice people"

wow.

That was worth every weird look I got for wearing the Santa hat during the service, and every time I have had to explain to my boss why I need those days in December off every year to put up sets and then take them down again. Not to mention all the rehearsals.

So thank you to the people at SUMC who gave hats, mittens and scarves. And to all the folks who work hard to make Journey a reality each year - it is worth it. We are reaching people. People who sometimes need hats.

and I dare say, that is a fitting way to celebrate the birth of the Savior.

Merry Christmas.

all i want for christmas.....

My memory verse for these last two weeks of 2009 is this -

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.

Psalm 27:4

Not a terribly Christmas-y verse is it?

But for me, right now…it works.

See my body has this horrendous habit of getting sick right around the holidays. Sometime in late November or early December I almost invariably come down with a cold, the cold sinks into my lungs and I spend the next two months hacking, sometimes losing my voice, but mostly sounding like I belong in a ward full of consumptives and tuberculosis patients.

This is very very frustrating for someone whose primary avenue of worship is, and has always been, song. Singing to God is my highest joy. Most years, when this sickness hits me I tend to get very angry and frustrated and depressed. This year, thanks to a song and this particular bible verse I’ve got a different outlook.

There is a song on Travis Cottrell’s album “Found” that is called “Rest” One of the verses goes like this –

Cure my heart of chasing whirlwinds

Of needing earth to quake

Of wrestling made up angels to keep myself awake

Oh bid my restless wandering heart

To find its hope in you

In stillness know that you are God

In rest…….

You make me new.

I’ve spent a lot of time this season just letting various songs wash over me. There is a different message that can be found when I am not spending so much time physically participating but instead participating by listening. That seems like such a simple thing to say, but for me it has been a hard thing to learn. In years past my silence has been that of an actively frustrated bystander. Now I choose to deliberately immerse myself in the flood of words and music.

Its kinda of the difference between swimming with the current or being a leaf that the current is moving. The leaf puts in no effort, but is still moved.

I used to think that if I couldn’t participate in the music that I wouldn’t be moved by it.

I am learning differently this year.

thank you jesus

Most of you know that I read the LivingProof Ministries blog. Well Beth asked a very interesting question over there and I realized I needed to post my answer here as well.

She asked-

What are you grateful for that you NEVER thought you would

be grateful for?

Well. That one got me thinking. The usual stuff is easy - health, home, family, Jesus. All the pat answers. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with being grateful for those things. But what in my life that could be viewed as a negative could I turn on it's head and view as something to be grateful for?

In years past? it would be my infertility that led us to Ginny. Never in a thousand lifetimes would I trade. Ginny has been a hugs blessing. I can never thank God enough.

But what has happened this year? 2009....Alright. The thing I never thought I'd be thankful for in 2009 is that my husband lost his job in August. August 4th as a matter of fact. On my mother's birthday.

I was so sour about it at first. He was my Bible study partner on the way to and from work for 5 years. We loved our commute together. So I was seriously bummed when that ended. I said all the right things. "God will take care of us." "It will be okay" and I meant them. But deep inside, even while I knew God would take care of us, I was resentful. And to be honest, I kinda of imagined that God taking care of us would mean us scraping by on ramen noodles andfinding ways to cut corners on everything.

I envisioned a life of constant restriction. Nothing extra to enable us to help others. No joy. Just getting by.

Apparently that is not what God had in mind.

This has been a blessed 4 months. First, to hear my man say that he wanted to continue his tithe through the end of this 2009 AS IF HE STILL HAD HIS JOB. Wow. I don't know how to be grateful enough to God for sending me Martin. When I think of the background we both come from. The sin, the darkness of our past........and now to see Martin , how much he really does love God, and know that he is the real spiritual head of my house. That in itself is a blessing.

We have also grown in our relationship. Our relationship had gotten lazy. We depended on that commute to keep us connected. We had to learn all over again to find (or MAKE) time for each other.

Martin has gotten to spend lots of time with our baby girl, so that has been good. Ginny is so precious and I'm glad that at least one of us is getting to spend extended amounts of time with her.

Also Martin and other members of my family have been sick and needed lots of time and care this fall. If he had still had a job they likely would have had to let him go because of all the family emergencies we went through. We never had to face that though.

God sent a job opportunity to Martin that he never would have been able to take on if he had been bogged down with his old job.

So spiritual growth, learning, new patterns, time with family......But then there is the financial stuff.

Finances. The big bug-bear. The nightmare of all who are "downsized" in this economy. God has sent us a clear message that we are not to worry. There have been two (not one, but TWO) out of the blue, un-asked for, financial gifts to our family that will, are you ready for this? enable us to continue our tithe all the way to the end of 2010 as if Martin still had his old job. And it wasn't even a question of "if" when the checks came. It was the first thing on Martin's heart and mind. The tithe.

Wow. After all I have been through in my life and put others through, to finally be married to a real Christian MAN OF GOD is just blessing me right down to the tips of my boots.

so there you go. I'm thankful that my husband lost his job.

surrender

Recently my pastor, Dr. Richard Hunter, posted a piece on feeling inadequate.

I wanted to add something to this. Richard, if we were adequate, we would have no need of God.

Lord, I need thee EVERY HOUR. Not just when I acknowledge my overwhelmed-ness, but every hour. Not just when I feel like I can't do this on my own, but every single moment. There is a blessed security in completely surrendering to the fact that God is in charge. Much like when my beautiful baby girl relaxes into my arms.

Ginny can’t spend all her time in my arms. She has to learn to do things on her own. She will eventually grow into a competent adult. But even a competent adult is not enough to stand up against the horrors of this world. Somehow, I need to teach her (and myself) to continually surrender to God. Let Him be in charge. Let Him lift us over the things we know we can’t get over AND over the rough places that we think we could handle on our own.

There is a sweetness in surrender, a peace, an uplifting joy that comes from really knowing that God is in charge. Not in a dictatorial sense, but in a protective, sheltering, loving sense. I don’t see His arms around me as shackles that are keeping me from running free. Instead I see those loving arms like the strong arms of a mommy (or daddy) holding me close because He loves me and enjoys my very presence.

The same way that I can’t get enough of hugging Ginny….God feels even more about me….and you. Don’t believe me? Think I’m off my rocker? Okay. He SAYS so. God’s own words:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name: you are Mine.
Isaiah 43:1b

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
1 John 3:1a

the LORD delights in those who fear* him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.
Psalm 147:11
(*to me this use of the word “fear” translates as respect)

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.
I John 3: 16

How much would I do for someone who loves me this much? Anything LORD. Anything. No more holding back. I surrender. All.

turn the light on!

Are you walking into a dark room?

Turn the light on!

And if you don’t turn it on, don’t ask for sympathy when you stub a toe on the chair leg.

Are you at a dark campsite?

Turn the flashlight on!

And if you don’t turn it on, don’t cry for sympathy after you fall in a hole.

Do you have any sympathy for the person who fails to turn on a light when they had every opportunity to just flip the switch? Or aim the flashlight and hit the ON button?

I don’t. The light is there, just waiting to be used.

I wish so much that that applied to my daily life. Why do I blunder into situations where my mouth gets me in trouble? Or my temper goes off and leaves me needing to beg forgiveness. Or I do something silly or stupid in a moment of thoughtlessness….

Why doesn’t God stop me from doing those things? Why can’t He show me how to not do them? Couldn’t he intervene? Shouldn’t He make my throat close up, or something so that I don’t say those silly, hurtful things?

No. That would be to take away my free will.

But, I’m ASKING you to do this to me God. Please stop me from blundering around and stupidly hurting people. Why can’t you make it so I can see the problems before they leap up and ambush me? I feel like I’m blundering through life in the dark!

Then, I looked again at my verse for today

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path”
Psalm 119:105

Oh.

Right. The light IS there. It is right there in God’s word. But I have to take the time and effectively hit the ON switch. I need to study His words continually so that His words light my way. Even if I don’t know the exact verse that God might choose to guide me at any particular moment, that is what the Holy Spirit is for – to guide us out of those dark moments.

Am I thinking that Satan is attacking me every moment? No. I don’t need to be paranoid. I have enough personal darkness to more than do the job of swamping my heart and soul on a daily basis. I am filled with things I know God wants me to weed out – jealousy, pride, insecurity. Weeds I would be far better off without. It’s a process. *sigh*

So maybe next time I find myself fuming over something and composing a scathing email or with a callous word on the tip of my tongue, I need to recognize that as a moment of personal darkness and turn on the light. Even if I do nothing more than sincerely ask God for His help in that moment, at least I will have given Him a moment to change my heart….and maybe keep me out of a hole.