put out the fire and tear down the walls

Recently I realized that there was something missing in my life.

Some walls that I had built, some anger I had harbored for years was gone. Just gone. Crumbled. Vanished. ……..gone.

Had I been working on removing it? Not really. I had prayed a couple of times about it, but I wasn’t thinking about it a lot or praying about it recently.

I just came to the realization this past Sunday that the raging fire of anger was just…gone. I couldn’t even dig up the embers. And believe me I tried. When I first realized the anger was gone it was almost like a friend had moved away. My first thought was how to get the anger back (which makes NO SENSE, I know) It had been something I quite literally cherished. A fire that warmed me. If I stopped being angry, was I admitting that the person had actually done the right thing all along?

No.

Letting go of the anger is not the same thing as agreeing with the event or the actions of the person that I was angry with. Letting go of the anger was just that. Letting go. Nothing more.

What happened? How did it go away without me even noticing?

Frankly, I don’t know.

Perhaps it had something to do with listening endlessly to the same sermon (one of Beth Moore's Sunday school classes called called “Thieves of Joy” ) over and over for the past few months.

Or perhaps it had something to do with the Bible verses I have been concentrating on for all of last year. There are many, but the very first one that has been with me since January of 2009 is

II Chronicles 7:14
“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land”

Called by my name – I am a Christian. I have been begging God to help me be a better representative of His Holy Name. This is what Witness means by the way. To represent, to bear witness, to testify. In our case, those who are called Christians are meant to bear witness by our actions and lives to those around us.

Pray and seek His face and turn from their wicked ways – I have been seeking. Filling my mind with His words (memorizing scriptures), filling my ears with music that glorifies Him (making a deliberate choice to keep my CDs to only praise music this year). And keeping my mouth shut. One of the most sinful areas of my life is my mouth. I speak sarcastically and hurtfully in the name of humor far too often. Partially due to illness and partially as a personal choice I have been trying to keep my mouth shut recently. In effect – turning from my besetting sin.

Heal their land – I believe this is what happened. Not literal land, but my spiritual land. My land, the place my heart and mind was dwelling in was filled with fires of hatred and anger. God has honored my seeking by healing this area of my life. This scorching anger that has been consuming me for so long, the wound that would not go away, in part because I could not let go…..God loosened my grip and helped me let it go.

Which brings me to an example that my pastor Richard hunter used in church this Sunday -

Ever noticed that when you hold your fist closed tightly around something for too long it actually hurts to move your fingers in the physical act of opening your hand? Try it. Just make a fist. Make it really tight. Put a lot of effort into it. Hold it for 60 seconds.

Then uncurl your fingers. Relax your hand. It hurts doesn’t it? The word “relax” just doesn’t even seem to apply.

It actually takes effort to perform the physical act of opening the hand.

I think too often we generalize “letting go” as an effortless act of freedom. And the result absolutely is freedom, but the act of releasing our grip on something, someone, or in my case – some emotion can actually be an effort. In my case it was too much for me. I cherished that anger. I wanted it. I was not about to let it go.

But God knew it needed to go. It was standing in the way of joy. And I hadn’t put any limits on God when I prayed from II Chronicles. I just asked for His healing. I didn’t say what needed healing. I wasn’t trying to be clever, I just had no idea what God needed to do in my life.

I’m posting this today, even though it is not Easter related, because this really did just happen this past Sunday. And I wanted to share the joy.

Fill your mind and heart with scripture, any scripture. Don’t put any limits on God, and see what amazing things come of it.

God said it.......

.. I just wish I had listened better…

One of the things we bought for Ginny for Christmas was a full DVD set of the Cedarmont Kids albums. For any of you who are unfamiliar with this group, give yourself a treat, go get them.

These DVDs are packed with loads of songs that Ginny loves to dance to and “sing” along with. She is getting active play and being indoctrinated at the same time. All the videos are subtitled with the lyrics so she will eventually be getting reading skills too. And it’s not just classic stuff that I remember from my childhood. You know the ones..

“I am a C. I am a CH. I am a CHRISTIAN” and “This little light of mine” and “Climb, climb up sunshine mountain” and “Do Lord, oh Do Lord, Do remember me” and “Jesus loves me”

Those are all in there, but included are some songs that I had never heard before. Songs that might have made a difference in my life if I had ever heard them AND managed to believe them. Like this one, called “Every promise in the book is mine”

Every promise in the Book is mine!
Every chapter, every verse, every line.
I am standing on His Word divine,
Every promise in the Book is mine!

Pretty straightforward, eh?

I love this song. I mean I sang about being a “son of Abraham” but I never really grasped that that meant that through Christ’s sacrifice and the fulfillment of that covenant, I personally partake of EVERY promise in the Bible.

And it is such a wonderful tune that I find myself singing it all day long. Which is very good for me. The soundtrack that runs in your head all day needs to be an affirming one.

Yes, the soundtrack in your head.

Don’t even try to tell me that you don’t have one. It is there. You may only consciously hear it when all else is quiet, but you do have one. Mine tends to be very repetitive. I get stuck in a groove all day. Sort of like how you feel after coming out the “small world” ride at Disney. That stupid song stays stuck in your head for HOURS. If conversation around you lags or you have a moment of quiet…it floats back up to the forefront of your brain and you find yourself humming along…..it’s a small world after all….its a small world after all…AARRRGGH ! That’s what I mean when I say the soundtrack in your head. So it behooves me to fill my mind and heart with good songs. Songs that point me to God. Otherwise I can spend all day (inadvertently) contemplating utter drivel. And who wants that?

Or this one …

Wide, wide as the ocean, high as the Heaven above;
Deep, deep as the deepest sea is my Savior’s love.
I, though so unworthy, still am a child of His care;
For His Word teaches me that His love reaches me everywhere.

I sang “Deep and Wide” enthusiastically as a child, but here again this song (which has a haunting melody by the way) addresses some of my deepest concerns. My feelings of insecurity and shakey self worth are directly addressed by these lyrics.

And then there is this one. This is priceless. And what it is doing in my heart as an adult is absolutely staggering.

God said it, I believe it
That’s all that faith demands
Though heav’n and earth shall pass away
His word will stand.

I have to wonder, did it take hearing these lyrics as an adult for them to sink in? Would I have never really understood the lyrics if had known them as a child? It occurs to me that one of my favorite Sunday school songs as a kid has some pretty good depth to it…….

Like a tree
Like a tree
I’m like a green olive tree
in the house
in the house
of the LORD, hallelujah
I will trust
in the mercy of God
forever I will trust
in the mercy of God

This song is engraved in my mind. And yet, I didn’t trust in God’s mercy. It never reached my heart, my blood stream. It never became part of me.

I’ve sung this song around many a campfire and yet I’ve spent decades of my life either trying to personally make up for my sins (which isn’t possible) or feeling completely unforgivable and therefore licensed to sink into depravity. Also a bad choice, by the way.

It is only in the last few years that I am starting to come to grips with the truth that God really does love me. Personally. And that I really am forgiven. Really. Yes, even for that. and yup, that one too. And oh yes, THAT one. (no, I'm not going to enumerate my sins for the world to view. They are between me and Christ. He washed them away and no longer remembers them)

Maybe that’s why these songs are having deep meanings for me now.

Now, they are real.

I, though so unworthy, still I’m a child of his care, for His word teaches me that His love reaches me EVERYWHERE.

Blessed reality.

repetition

lately I find myself repeating myself.

alot.

"I love you Ginny. Mommy loves you."

"Ginny, don't touch that honey. Ginny. No. Don't touch that.....Ginny!"

"Come here Ginny. that's right, come here. Ginny. Over here."

At times I wonder if she evens hears me. I think most mothers of toddlers feel this way. The complusion to go have your child's hearing checked is almost too strong to bear.

Then I got in the car this morning.

And thought about the 58 minutes long sermon that I have been listening to over and over and over again for the past week. And how there are still parts of it that I NEED to hear again in order to really process them. To internalize them. To press them into my heart.

And it occurred to me to wonder....does God ever sigh and wonder if I can even hear Him?

"Deirdre, I love you. You are my beloved child. Being filled with My Joy is not an option, it is your right as my child. Did I mention that I love you? Deirdre, God loves you."

Did you know that was hard to type? Some how it is easy for me to say

"God loves me" but actually typing it with my name as part of the sentence (as if it is being said by God to me personally) was more difficult.

Anyway, I plan to revel in repetition this year.

!!!??? what??? you ask. Why would I want to do that? Well, as many of you know I participated in a scripture memory team last year where we memorized one new scripture every two weeks. I know all 24 of mine, but most of them haven't had a chance to sink in yet. I need more time with them. I need to pick out a few and just dwell in them. Study them. Actually pull out a concordance and look up some word origins.

I don't think it does me any good to have a bunch of scriptures banging around in my head if they never make it to my heart.

So this year is going to be about repetition. Going over and over and over these words from God to me till I really live in them. Comfortably. Securely. They need to be so much a part of me that no enemy, no demon of insecurity can rip them out of my grasp. These verses, concepts and truths needs to flow in my veins.

And that can only be achieved, for me anyway, by going over them again and again.

Sometimes spiritually, I think I'm still a toddler..... who is hard of hearing.

my child is hurting

"my child is hungry"
"my child just lost their parents"
"my child just lost her home"
"please help"

"please?"

these are the words I imagine you might read from a parent in Haiti right now.

If they blogged.

but they don't so I'm gonna say it for them.

please give.

I don't care what organization you give through, but please give.
I chose to use Compassion International because I am already familiar with them, but whoever you choose to give through, do it today.

There are approximately 40 people who read this blog regularly. If each of them gives at least $10.....well $400 can buy a lot of clean water and aid for these people.

please?

and if I haven't convinced you, read the words from our Lord -

Matthew 25: 37-45

³⁷"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

⁴⁰"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

⁴¹"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

⁴⁴"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

⁴⁵"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

have my baby....please?

Can you possibly imagine that line as the start of a deep, meaningful friendship?

Well, I can.

Cause I once asked that very question of someone. They turned me down and then proceeded to become a major part of my life.

What on earth am I talking about you ask? (or maybe you've already stopped reading 'cause I've offended you...)

Well back a few years ago when I was still reeling from our failed IVF tries one of the options the doctor mentioned was to have a surrogate mother carry a baby for us. We could either use our own ...um....material, or just my husband and the surrogate. That last option completely turned me off, but the idea of having someone carry our child for us was not completely repugnant, so we agreed to think about it. But then the doctors started telling me all the stuff we would need to look into to find a surrogate. DNA testing for the surrogate and descriptions and interviews...it was all so cold and clinical. We were turned off by the whole process, so we put the notion on the shelf and got on with the process of healing our sore hearts.

Another friend who had been going through infertility issues herself pointed me to a wonderful blog post by a person named Missy. It was all about how God never puts us in a place or situation without there being a reason, a meaning in it.

After reading that first post I kept reading. and reading. and reading. I really liked this lady. I liked her style and I envied her the ability to have four kids. Her fertility and my infertility were in stark contrast to each other, and the thought crossed my mind...I wonder if she would be willing to be a surrogate for us?

I took my courage in both hands, and emailed her.

She very compassionately said, no. And for a very good reason - Missy had had a rough delivery with her last baby and she was scared to try again. Which is perfectly understandable.

Now this COULD have been a humiliating moment for me, but Missy made it into the beginning of a sweet relationship. And no matter how depressed I got, or how frustrated with God's timing, she kept pointing me back to God and reminding me that He is GOOD and He had not forgotten me.

Eventually, after a lot of healing and soul searching, we chose to adopt domestically and we could not possibly have been more blessed than we are to have Ginny. Her birth parents are a wonderful part of our family life and they know how much we love them. I honestly would not trade Ginny for any child of my own body.

But beyond helping me with my emotional healing, Missy did something far greater for me - she pointed out a prejudice that I was holding on to unjustly and opened my eyes to the amazing ministry of a lovely lady in Houston named Beth Moore.

Since then it's been three years of non-stop blessing. Accountability, Bible studies, discussions, scripture memory teams, and now I'm EIGHT DAYS away from FINALLY meeting MISSY.

so Missy, thank you for NOT having my babies.

christmas hats

okay, we got the Santa photos done, now on to the rest of Christmas.

first off Christmas Eve was great. My church does four services.

• a 4:00 kids service (usually a drama or something that kids will love)
• a 5:30 traditional with candle-lighting, choirs, advent wreath, etc
• a 7:00 contemporary
• and an 11:00 traditional.

Martin had to be available to work the 5:30 and the 11:00. Now I knew we weren't going to keep Ginny up till the 11:00 service, even though that one is my favorite, so we planned to go to the 5:30 with the whole family (including my parents, my niece and hopefully my brother). It turned out to be just myself, Martin and Ginny, but we ran into some friends and ended up sitting with them. The service was lovely, Ginny enjoyed the candle lighting very much - even though I wouldn't let her touch the flame.

The "O Holy Night" solo was done by our assistant choir director Blair Brawner and it was gorgeous. It wasn't as technically perfect as some I have heard, but it was beautiful. Even the one time her voice broke...it just made it more of a human sharing moment rather than a performance.

the real highlight for me came after the service was over. You see I had to go up to our pastor and apologize. For wearing a Santa hat all during the service.

??? Why was I wearing a Santa hat to a church service when I don't believe in Santa?

Well I was wearing it initially because I was just being silly. Martin wears his a lot, and Ginny looked so cute in hers, so I was wearing mine to fit in with my silly family.

But then, on the way into the sanctuary, I passed by one of the outer doors, the one right next to the "hats, mittens & scarves tree" This is a 9 foot tall Christmas tree that the members of our church decorate with brand new hats, mittens and scarves all through out the holiday season.

As I was passing that entrance a blast of cold air hit me. Really cold air.

I turned around.

there coming in the door was a woman and three kids.

all in shirt sleeves.

I smiled and said "Hi! Welcome!"

She smiled back, glanced at my hat and then at the tree.

"Do you know how we could get a hat or a coat for my kids?"

At which point I realized that I didn't have a clue how those hats, mittens & scarves were going to be distributed. They disappear every year after Christmas, but I had no idea where they went. To the Co-op? To a shelter? I had no clue.

"Tell you what, I'll find out how we can get you some of those hats and stuff. I know just who to ask, okay?" I said.

"How will I find you?" she asked, as people jostled us apart.

without missing a beat I said "I'm probably the only person in that sanctuary wearing a Santa hat. I won't take it off till you find me again and I promise I'll have an answer for you"

So I asked around, and finally the pastor told me "you just march her right up to that tree and let her have whatever she needs."

Well thanks to the Santa hat, we re-connected after the service and as I was walking her and the kids to the tree I figured I should make conversation...so I asked

"Have you ever been here before?"

"Well no, not to a service." she said "But we come to your Journey to Bethlehem thing every year, so I knew you were nice people"

wow.

That was worth every weird look I got for wearing the Santa hat during the service, and every time I have had to explain to my boss why I need those days in December off every year to put up sets and then take them down again. Not to mention all the rehearsals.

So thank you to the people at SUMC who gave hats, mittens and scarves. And to all the folks who work hard to make Journey a reality each year - it is worth it. We are reaching people. People who sometimes need hats.

and I dare say, that is a fitting way to celebrate the birth of the Savior.

Merry Christmas.

all i want for christmas.....

My memory verse for these last two weeks of 2009 is this -

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.

Psalm 27:4

Not a terribly Christmas-y verse is it?

But for me, right now…it works.

See my body has this horrendous habit of getting sick right around the holidays. Sometime in late November or early December I almost invariably come down with a cold, the cold sinks into my lungs and I spend the next two months hacking, sometimes losing my voice, but mostly sounding like I belong in a ward full of consumptives and tuberculosis patients.

This is very very frustrating for someone whose primary avenue of worship is, and has always been, song. Singing to God is my highest joy. Most years, when this sickness hits me I tend to get very angry and frustrated and depressed. This year, thanks to a song and this particular bible verse I’ve got a different outlook.

There is a song on Travis Cottrell’s album “Found” that is called “Rest” One of the verses goes like this –

Cure my heart of chasing whirlwinds

Of needing earth to quake

Of wrestling made up angels to keep myself awake

Oh bid my restless wandering heart

To find its hope in you

In stillness know that you are God

In rest…….

You make me new.

I’ve spent a lot of time this season just letting various songs wash over me. There is a different message that can be found when I am not spending so much time physically participating but instead participating by listening. That seems like such a simple thing to say, but for me it has been a hard thing to learn. In years past my silence has been that of an actively frustrated bystander. Now I choose to deliberately immerse myself in the flood of words and music.

Its kinda of the difference between swimming with the current or being a leaf that the current is moving. The leaf puts in no effort, but is still moved.

I used to think that if I couldn’t participate in the music that I wouldn’t be moved by it.

I am learning differently this year.